Growing up in the Renassalier Projects in Albany, New York and being the darkest in my family I was always called big nose and blackie. Even though my nickname was Lee Lee I got accustom to those names. Now that was at home, in school I was called ugly, skinny and any other names that went along with the way I looked. I was bullied and made to feel ashamed about who I was.
Is it really natural for us to be so cruel to each other? Or do we learn that from others such as your mother and other family and friends. Because I was called these terrible names by people who looked like me, I started to hang out with white girls. Yes, Conscious Celeta hung out with white girls at one time in my life. Why did I feel comfortable because I was not judged by what I look like.
As I grew into a young lady the name calling and bullying didn't stop and it really made me feel like I could never meet the standards of what they would call beautiful or pretty.
I tried to make friends with some black girls it was only a hand full of them in high school who would really talk to me, that was fine to me, I liked the idea that they didn't talk to me, but they continue to talk about me, Even though they didn't stop to ask anything about me,or get to know me, they would have found that I was an all right person.
We truly have so many issues dealing with body image and looks stacked up against us, it should make us closer to each other. But instead we find ourselves being jealous, insecure and mean toward the very person that we should be bonding with.
I have sisters and we have said very vicious things to one another at times. But when we are dealing with our own demons its easy for us to take our dissatisfaction of what we look at in the mirror every day out on others.
Some of the meanness I will blame on society and the other I will blame on our home life. Society damages young black girls by telling them that being light-skinned and the so-called pretty hair is the only black they can identify with, leaving the dark skinned girls out in the cold and not what people want to see. But we all know that what society excepts is not all the time realistic. But it doesn't stop us from trying to look a certain way.
Society has also brought their propaganda to the minds of our men also which again the light-skinned gets the attention. Black is truly beautiful despite what society has shown us. We have to love ourselves first and feel comfortable in our skin.
Our home life can carry the same type of stigma. I think about my mother and others who were taught that if you were light-skinned you were favored more. But also have to understand that this came from slavery and of course it would trickle down to the rest of the families. I always noticed how my own mother made a difference in the grandchildren the light-skinned ones got a different treatment than the darker ones.
I wish when it came to us as a people that our shades of black wouldn't really matter but it has and the damage has been done.
Even though now some of us our on the natural tip are we doing this for us or are attempting to make society accept us? Just like all other things we do, for some I think going natural is a fad and it has nothing to do with our African roots.
I do know that I have learned to accept my looks even though my black sisters still might say some negative things about me, I have to understand that its truly not about me its about them. I am just a sounding board for their inner dissatisfaction of themselves.
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